Get all 6 Dave Guhlow releases available on Bandcamp and save 35%.
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1. |
Truckin’ Muck
02:25
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TRUCKIN’ MUCK
(Dave Guhlow)
Now let me introduce myself if I may
My name is Charles, you can call me chuck (hi, Chuck)
I make my livin’ drivin’ down the highway
It’s how I make my life, I’m truckin’ muck (wait, what)
(Chorus)
I’m truckin’ muck (he’s truckin’ muck)
I’m truckin’ muck (he’s truckin’ muck)
Just to earn a buck, I’m truckin’ muck (P-U-oo, he’s truckin’ muck)
I’m truckin’ muck (he’s truckin’ muck)
I’m truckin’ muck (ew, yuck)
Just to earn a buck, I’m truckin’ muck (truckin’ muck, he’s truckin’ muck)
Now drivin’ down the interstate near Fargo
My buddy radioed that he got stuck (I’m stuck)
Good thing for him he wasn’t goin’ far though
Just try and hold your breath, I’m truckin’ muck (on second thought)
(Repeat chorus)
Old Smokey tried to ticket me for speedin’
He tried to trap me with that radar gun (wee-oo-wee-oo-wee-oo)
But when he left his car to mark the readin’
He couldn’t stand the smell to give me one (oh jeez, get out of here)
Now if you folks should ever come a-callin’
If I’m unloadin’, don’t forget to duck (quack quack)
This ain’t no bed of roses that I’m haulin’ (achoo)
It’s how I make my life, I’m truckin’ muck (are we done yet)
I’m truckin’ muck (he’s truckin’ muck)
I’m truckin’ muck (he’s truckin’ muck)
Just to earn a buck, I’m truckin’ muck (P-U-oo, he’s truckin’ muck)
I’m truckin’ muck (he’s truckin’ muck)
I’m truckin’ muck (ew, yuck)
Just to earn a buck, I’m truckin’ (truckin’)
Just to fill the truck, I’m truckin’ (truckin’)
Just to earn a buck, I’m truckin’ muck (truckin’ muck)
How much muck could Chuck’s truck truck if Chuck’s truck could truck muck
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2. |
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I MUST BE FALLING IN LOVE
(Dave Guhlow)
Now I’m in a coma
With some hematoma
And quite an aroma I’m sure
They jump start my heart with a push and a shove
I must be falling in love
My blood pressure’s dropping
The flow isn’t stopping
And someone’s stuck mopping the floor
The nurses won’t touch me without wearing gloves
I must be falling in love
The doctors won’t say if it’s serious
What I’ve got, they’re not really sure
But I’m feeling simply delirious
When it’s love, there isn’t a cure
My muscles are aching
My body is shaking
And someone is taking my will
And I’m seeing angels with those turtle doves
I must be falling in love
My organs are failing
The sirens are wailing
And someone is mailing my will
And when I look up I can see stars above
Or maybe it’s a concussion
I must be falling in love
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3. |
Yellow Christmas
03:18
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YELLOW CHRISTMAS
(Dave Guhlow)
In every Christmas season
There’s lots of red and green
And all your cheeks are turning blue
The snow is white and clean
But there’s another color
You know the one I mean
It makes a great addition
To every Christmas scene
Let’s have a yellow Christmas
By writing in the snow
If anybody sees you
Just wave and say hello
And after you have finished
Enjoy the afterglow
We’ll have a yellow Christmas
Just drop your pants and go (ho ho ho)
Ho ho ho ho
I don’t use decorations
It’s how I mark my tree
And that’s how I identify
Which presents are for me
You might think it’s disgusting
But it don’t have to be
We’ll have a yellow Christmas
If you’ll join in with me
Let’s have a yellow Christmas
By writing in the snow
Just cross your Ts and dot your Is
And let your talent flow
So gather ‘round the children
With faces all aglow
We’ll have a yellow Christmas
Just drop your pants and go (ho ho ho)
Ho ho ho ho
Cue the tinkle bells
Wow, you’ve got good aim
So join in my tradition
Don’t let it pass you by
If you’re a little nervous
Or if you’re kind of shy
Just drink a lot of liquids
It’s easy if you try
We’ll have a yellow Christmas
Just open up your fly
Ready
Let’s have a yellow Christmas
By writing in the snow
If anybody sees you
Just wave and say hello (hello)
And after you have finished
Destroy the mistletoe
We’ll have a yellow Christmas
Just drop your pants and go (ho ho ho)
Ho ho ho ho (etc.)
Hey, race you outside
Last one done needs a diaper
Hey, watch where you’re going with that
Did you eat asparagus
Who says there’s no P in Christmas
I’m thirsty again
Cranberry juice
Ho ho ho ho, Merry Christmas
What are you looking at
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4. |
The Square Root Dance
02:24
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THE SQUARE ROOT DANCE
(Dave Guhlow)
1.4142
Now everyone in town
Is at the old hoedown
And everyone has slide rules in their hands
They’re gonna jamboree
With trigonometry
When everybody takes their stance
Doin’ the square root dance
Now couples on a date
Will differentiate
When calculating chances for romance
Their probability
Is plain geometry
When everybody takes their stance
Doin’ the square root dance
Now everybody promenade
If you want a passing grade
Allemande with passion all
Let’s not be irrational
(Let’s not be irrational)
You better have your game
When the caller says your name
And you don’t know the answer in advance
They’ll pull you off the floor
And push you out the door
When everybody takes their stance
Doin’ the square root dance
Alright everybody, let’s form a polygon, let’s go
Now everybody do-si-do
Don’t divide it by zero
Swing your partner with a jerk
Just be sure to show your work
(Just be sure to show your work)
So bring the families
And share the expertise
And bring the kids, the uncles and the aunts
Where algebra’s a plus
Right up to calculus
When everybody takes their stance
Doin’ the square root dance
When everybody takes their stance
Doin’ the square root dance
When everybody takes their stance
Doin’ the square root dance
Pencils down
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5. |
Five Feet From A Spider
02:23
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FIVE FEET FROM A SPIDER
(Dave Guhlow)
You’re five feet from a spider where you’re sitting
No matter where you are in any room
And late at night they’re crawling all around your house
And when you’re dead they’re crawling in your tomb
You’re five feet from a spider in your kitchen
That’s not a very appetizing mood
And late at night they’re crawling on your countertop
And some of them are crawling in your food
Now when you see a spider don’t be screaming
Just see it from the spider’s point of view
They see a giant human coming after them
The last thing that they’re seeing is your shoe
You’re five feet from a spider in your bathroom
They’re on your soap and on your towels too
And late at night they’re crawling on your toothbrushes
And some of them are on the toilet too
Take it Boris
Now when you see a spider don’t be nervous
They’re needed in your garden and your lawn
And Mother Nature uses them to balance things
Imagine all the bugs if they were gone (eh, what’s up doc)
You’re five feet from a spider in your bedroom
And every year you swallow one or two
And late at night they’re crawling on your mattresses
And when you sleep they’re gonna crawl on you
And when you sleep they’re gonna crawl on you
Nighty night
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6. |
I Have A Penis
01:59
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I HAVE A PENIS
(Dave Guhlow)
Now I have a penis
I got it for free
I use it for sex
And I use it to pee
I’m proud of my penis
As proud as can be
If you wanna see it
I’ll show you with glee
Now I have a penis
Wherever I roam
If I’m on vacation
Or when I’m at home
Down on the equator
Or way up in Nome
I’m glad that dad gave me
A Y chromosome
Now I have a penis
On Earth or on Venus
I know that my penis is there
And I have a penis
Should it come between us
There’s plenty of penis to share
Now I have a penis
A pleasure to hold
It’s big when it’s happy
It shrinks when it’s cold
I care for my penis
And treat it like gold
So it will be working
When I’m really old
Now I have a penis
I’ve had it for life
And I love my penis
And so does my wife
But if we should suffer
From marital strife
She’ll cut off my penis
With her kitchen knife
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7. |
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THIS IS THE BEST SONG ON THE ALBUM
(Dave Guhlow)
Oooo, ba-da-da, bop-ba
Oooo, ba-da-da, bop-ba
This is the best song on the album (ba-da-da, bop-ba)
And we all think, it’s pretty good (ba-da-da, bop-ba)
The other songs we’re not so sure about
But hey, we did, the best, we could (ba-da-da, bop-ba)
This is the best song on the album (on the album)
And we all hope, that it’s a hit (number one with a bullet)
You’ll hear it constantly on radio
They’ll play it, till, you’re sick, of it (it’s an earworm)
(Bridge)
We’re cool with being one hit wonders (ba-da-da, bop-ba/one hit wonders)
Someday when our career is done (ba-da-da, bop-ba/we’re a has been)
And we look back upon our one hit song
It’s better than, not having one (Oscar Wilde/Oscar Mayer)
This is the best song on the album (on the album)
And we all hope, that you’ll agree (you better like it)
We spent a fortune on production costs
Those engineers, don’t work, for free (tell me about it)
Ba-da-da, bop-ba
Shave and a haircut
This part again
(Repeat bridge)
This is the best song on the album (almost over)
And we’ll be playing it for years (at bar mitzvahs)
You’ll have to sit through all the other stuff
Cause it’s, the one, you wanna hear
Oooo, ba-da-da, bop-ba
Oooo, ba-da-da, bop-ba
Oooo, ba-da-da, bop-ba
Oooo
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8. |
Telegraph Girl
03:25
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TELEGRAPH GIRL
(Dave Guhlow)
(Dit-dit-dit-dah, dit-dit-dit-dah, dit-dit-dit-dah, stop)
(Dit-dit-dit-dah, dit-dit-dit-dah, dit-dit-dit-dah, stop)
Dotty you’re pretty, I wanna make you mi-i-ine
So I wrote a ditty, and sent it down the li-i-ine
Cause I really love you now, and I want you to be
My telegraph girl, ir-irl, ir-irl, ir-irl
(Dit-dit-dit-dah, dit-dit-dit-dah, dit-dit-dit-dah, stop)
Dotty I’m sorry, I acted like a ru-u-ube
But I couldn’t reach you, with those pneumatic tu-u-ubes
But I really love you now, and I want you to be
My telegraph girl, ir-irl, ir-irl, ir-irl
(Dit-dit-dit-dah, dit-dit-dit-dah, dit-dit-dit-dah, dit-dit-dit-dah)
I tried pony express, to send you my distress
But the postmaster can’t find his horse (here, Seabiscuit)
Then he got in his head, to send a wire instead
And it’s with it I express, my remorse (I get it)
Dotty I miss you, let’s enjoy it while we’re young-ung-ung
And I wanna kiss you, but the wire burned my tongue-ongue-ongue
But I really love you, Dotty, and I want you to be
My telegraph girl, ir-irl, ir-irl (burp, oh excuse me)
(Dit-dit-dit-dah, dit-dit-dit-dah, dit-dit-dit-dah, stop)
My darlin’, I know our world has been torn asunder
And I’m not even sure what that word means
(Dit-dit-dit-dah, dit-dit-dit-dah)
Hey, I’m narrating here, you mind (sorry)
But I do know my love for you is stronger than ever
Send me a signal darlin’, my line is always open, for you
Full stop (here, Seabiscuit)
Dotty I love you, but I don’t wanna beg-eg-eg
Just don’t look above you, for that carrier pigeon’s leg-eg-eg
But I really love you now, and I want you to be
My telegraph girl, ir-irl, ir-irl, ir-irl
(Dit-dit-dit-dah, dit-dit-dit-dah, dit-dit-dit-dah, stop)
But I really love you now, and I want you to be
My telegraph
What, oh yeah, girl
(Dit-dit-dit-dah, dit-dit-dit-dah, stop)
Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo (coughs)
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9. |
Franklin Pierce
02:02
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FRANKLIN PIERCE
(Dave Guhlow)
Franklin Pierce, our 14th president
Franklin Pierce, New Hampshire resident
Franklin Pierce, you better plug your earsce
He was Franklin Pierce
Franklin Pierce, a dark horse coming through
He would win, in 1852
Franklin Pierce, could this get any wierce
He was Franklin Pierce
No one knew what was in store
On the way to civil war
The Kansas-Nebraska Act
Split the nation, that’s a fact
Franklin Pierce, he fought in Mexico
On his horse, got injured down below
Franklin Pierce, was drinking something fierce
He was Franklin Pierce
Take it Millard
Even though it was in vain
Tried to buy Cuba from Spain
But before he wrote a check
Spain told him to go to heck
Franklin Pierce, no longer feeling fine
He dropped dead, in 1869
Don’t shed tearce, cause he’s been dead for yearce
He was Franklin Pierce
Give three cheerce, cause this is the last vierce
He was Franklin Pierce
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10. |
The Ten Commandments
02:09
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THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
(Dave Guhlow)
Now Moses came down from the mount, with tablets made of stone
And he began to speak to us, in quite a regal tone
These are the Ten Commandments, and it would help a lot
If all of you would follow them, and give them all a shot
I am the Lord, by gosh, by gum, there’ll be no one but me
You’ll make no graven image, unless you get a fee
And don’t you even think about, to take my name in vain
If a hammer hits your finger, and you scream out in pain (ow)
Now keep the Sabbath holy, until they start the game
And honor both your parents, even though you think they’re lame
And don’t you ever, ever kill, unless they kill you first
And don’t commit adultery, divorce is even worse (tell me about it)
Now don’t you try and steal from me, but you don’t have to beg
But you had better pay me back, or I’ll break both your legs
And don’t you bear false witness, as there’s no good in that
Except of course when someone says, does this make me look fat (oy vey)
And don’t you ever covet, because it doesn’t help
Instead of being envious, just go get one yourself
Now that’s about the last of them, unless there’s one I missed
I hope you all were listening, or I’ll be really angry
These are the Ten Commandments, that all of you must heed
And I’ll take no excuses, so don’t tell me you can’t read
And I’ll be giving you a quiz, to get you into heaven
There’s only Ten Commandments, be glad there aren’t eleven
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11. |
We Surrender
02:09
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WE SURRENDER
(Dave Guhlow)
We surrender, we surrender
Have a heart, hold your fire, we give up
We surrender, we surrender
Can’t you see that we’ve all had enough
If we’re marching proudly with our white flag
It sure beats lying in a body bag
So we surrender, we surrender
That’s enough, cut it out, give us a break
We surrender, we surrender
Now we know declaring war was a mistake (oops)
If you’ve all but wrapped up your victory
Just close your eyes and give us time to flee
So we surrender, we surrender
Have a heart, hold your fire, we give up
Our army is all buried in their trenches
You turned our navy into submarines
Our air force has been permanently grounded
And I don’t wanna talk about marines
Our generals have all gone into exile (those cowards)
Our government’s asylumed overseas (them too)
If it’s all the same to you
If there’s nothing else to do
Let’s forget about it, pretty please
So we surrender, we surrender
Have a hug, shake my hand, please be kind
We surrender, we surrender
All those insults we said, never mind
If you’ve got the treaty, we’ve got a pen
We’ll sign and never speak of this again
So we surrender, we surrender (already)
Can’t you see that we’ve all had enough
Have a heart, hold your fire, we give up
So, can we go now
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12. |
Goodbye
02:22
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GOODBYE
(Dave Guhlow)
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
It’s sad, we’re saying goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
You promised you wouldn’t cry
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
So wipe that tear from your eye
It’s auf wiedersehen, till we meet again
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
It sucks, we’re saying goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
You said, that you wouldn’t cry (you big baby)
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
So wipe that stuff from your eye (ew)
Let’s say adios, let’s not be verbose
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Let’s say au revoir, get into ya cah
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
And let’s all say ciao, you gotta go now
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Let’s say do svidaniya, go put your coat on ya
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Let’s say sayonara, I’ll see ya tomarra
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
And let’s say shalom, it’s time to go home
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
And let’s say so long, just end the damn song
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye everybody
Thanks for listening
Drive safely
Or drive like hell, what do I care, I’m not your mother
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Dave Guhlow Henderson, Nevada
Dave Guhlow’s completely accurate bio, by A. Paidshill:
Beloved entertainer, humanitarian, and
national treasure, Dave Guhlow is none of these things.
The man who put the harm in harmony, his act has been described as the kind that killed vaudeville, then dug it up and killed it again.
His songs are like fine wine after being dumped in the sewer, and now, you can experience the same revulsion.
... more
