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1. |
Fart Jokes
01:51
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FART JOKES
(Dave Guhlow)
Fart jokes, we all love fart jokes
As much as we admit that we like smart jokes
We all can appreciate a Noel Coward quip
But we all go bananas when the pope lets it rip
Cause it’s a fart joke
We all love fart jokes
And everybody farts
Fart jokes, we all love fart jokes
Much more than affairs of the heart jokes
When you’re in school, bored with Shakespearean prose
The teacher lets it fly, milk comes out of our nose
Cause it’s a fart joke
We all love fart jokes
And everybody farts
Take it, Hans
Fart jokes, we all love fart jokes
Less controversial than don’t even start jokes
When you’re in the conference room awaiting your turn
The boss gives an opinion and it’s meeting adjourned
Cause it’s a fart joke
We all love fart jokes
And everybody farts (don’t even go there)
Everybody farts (open a window)
Everybody farts
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2. |
Jerkin' For Jesus
03:35
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JERKIN’ FOR JESUS
(Dave Guhlow)
There are a lot of problems
In the world today
It seems that we’re all waitin’
For a judgment day
If we can get our savior
To come back pretty soon
Then maybe he can help us
Before the planet’s doomed
So all the heads of science
Gathered ‘round to say
That they all need a sample
Of our DNA
If they create our savior
In their basement lab
Then we won’t have to wait for him
To rise up from the slab
(Chorus)
So/Cause I’m jerkin’ for Jesus
Jerkin’ for Jesus
Jerkin’ for Jesus
So he’ll rise again
When you’re jerkin’ for Jesus
Jerkin’ for Jesus
Jerkin’ for Jesus
It ain’t really sin
Now I don’t wear no sandals
I don’t have a beard
My Hebrew’s pretty rusty
My accent’s kinda weird
Well, I don’t go to church
Nearly as often as I should
I’m not much of a carpenter
But I got lots of wood
(Repeat chorus)
They say a girl named Mary
Had a virgin birth
She would bring the world a son
And he would change the Earth
Well, I don’t know if all that’s true
But I don’t take no chance
I’m goin’ in the other room
And takin’ off my pants
Play it, Homer
Woo-hoo
Take it, Jethro
Pick it
In every life there comes a time
You’ve gotta take a stand
And when it comes to Jesus
I’m proud to lend a hand
I’ll stand erect beside him
So he can spread his word
Cause it’s his second comin’
But me, I’m on my third
(Repeat chorus x2)
Jerkin’ for Jesus
Amen
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3. |
Surfin' Alaska
02:22
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SURFIN’ ALASKA
(Dave Guhlow)
We’re surfin’ Alaska
Surfin’ Alaska
Surfin’ Alaska
Woo-oo-oo-oo
Packin’ my bag, headin’ out the door
Goin’ up north to the arctic shore
Got my board and my parka too
Livin’ with the seals and the caribou
(Chorus)
(You gotta go) Let’s go, surfin’ Alaska
(You gotta go) Be nice, maybe I’ll ask ya’
(You gotta go) Too bad, you live in Nebraska
We’re surfin’ Alaska
Surfin’ Alaska
Surfin’ Alaska
Woo-oo-oo-oo/Brr-rr-rr-rr/Uh-uh-uh-uh
Ridin’ that wave gave me such a thrill
Fallin’ off the board by the oil spill
Fight that current with all your might
Get out fast or you’ll get frostbite (or hypothermia)
(Repeat chorus)
Just beware of the polar bear
No matter what you do
I can’t outrun a polar bear
But I’ll sure outrun you
Ah-ah-ah-ah
Woo-oo-oo-oo
Nice and warm in your new long johns
It’s hard to hang ten with your mukluks on
There’s no bikini girls to see
But walruses are fine with me
(Repeat chorus x2)
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4. |
Dressing In Drag
02:17
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DRESSING IN DRAG
(Dave Guhlow)
And now, live from the Harriet Hotel ballroom
It’s Dave Guhlow, with the Dustin Ware Orchestra
Featuring Les Flem on vocals
With their latest musical sensation, Dressing in Drag
Open the closet, put on your clothes
Look in the mirror, then strike a pose
Everybody let’s go dressing in drag (vo-do-de-o)
Shave all your legs, roll up your hose
Slip on your shoes and scrunch up your toes
Everybody let’s go dressing in drag
You feel your body swaying
When you put on, your bra
And you hear yourself saying
You look like, your ma (ooh)
Makeup your face, slip on your dress
Wearing a hat cause hair is a mess
Everybody let’s go dressing in drag (vo-do-de-o)
Put on your gloves, slip on your coat
Wearing a scarf to cover your throat
Everybody let’s go dressing in drag
You’ll need some defense training
When you’re out on, the town
And you’re constantly explaining
Why your voice goes, way down
Now back at home, oh what a night
Too much to drink and got in a fight
Everybody let’s go dressing in drag (vo-do-de-o)
Get into bed, turn out the light
Can’t wait to do it tomorrow night
Everybody let’s go dressing in drag
But don’t you sag
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5. |
Is It A Booger
02:29
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IS IT A BOOGER
(Dave Guhlow)
I caught a cold, a nasty sniff
I blew my nose, in the handkerchief
Opened it up, look what I got
Is it a booger, no it’s not
The doctor said, there is no cure
It’s just a phase, I must endure
The specialist gave me a shot (bottoms up)
Is it a booger, no it’s not
(Bridge)
If you’ve got allergies
Then you have my sympathies
It’s such a dumb disease
All it does is make you sneeze
Every time a breeze
Blows the pollen off the trees
I wish that it would freeze
And kill off all the/those bees (ow)
Now when I cough, now don’t you laugh
I’m so glad I’m, not a giraffe
Some chicken soup would hit the spot (buckaw, buckaw)
Is it a booger, no it’s not (take it, pickers)
Now, here’s Phil (Trum) on his nose
(Repeat bridge)
I caught a cold, a nasty sniff
I blew my nose, in the handkerchief
Opened it up, look what I got (hey ma, look)
Is it a booger, no it’s not
Is it a booger, no it’s not (ew, there’s a lot)
Is it a booger, no it’s not
Achoo
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6. |
Ain't Nature Grand
03:39
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AIN’T NATURE GRAND
(Dave Guhlow)
There’s nothing as moving, and nothing as soothing
As seeing the robins in spring
The mother so tender, turns into a blender
And feeds her chicks by vomiting
Then there’s the eagle, majestic and regal
We sigh as it soars overhead
And as we watch in awe, grabs a chick with its claw
And majestically rips it to shreds
Ain’t nature grand
In the air, out at sea, or on land
Beware of the culture, surrounded by vultures
That wait for your hide to be tanned
Ain’t nature grand
Get out of there now while you can
Cause when they’re not molting, they sure are revolting
Ain’t nature grand
Under the sea, so much variety
Like the shark, and the eel, and the squid
Out on the ocean, that rhythmic motion
Will soon make you sorry you did (ulp)
Out on the Amazon, make sure your camera’s on
So many wonders to see
Like that small little fish, while it’s not so delish
It’ll swim up your stream while you pee
Ain’t nature grand
In the air, out at sea, or on land
That big barracuda, can be very rude-a
With teeth that’ll tear off your hand
Ain’t nature grand
It’s all the outdoors you can stand
When it ain’t combusting, it sure it’s disgusting
Ain’t nature grand
You know
I remember going camping in my childhood
When we were attacked by hornets
Then all snuggled up in our tent at night
During that record breaking hailstorm
Then we went to the beach
Where they blew up that whale carcass
Everybody got souvenirs, whether you wanted them or not
Dad had to buy a whole new windshield for the camper
Well, I’ve got to get back to the song now
But, ah the memories, you can have ‘em
After rain showers, that big field of flowers
So tempting to go strolling in
You might find amusing, that pus that you’re oozing
Is poison that’s under your skin
Then there’s the elephant, not really relevant
See him there taking a drink
While playing his trumpet, or taking a dump
It’s amazing how much they can stink
Ain’t nature grand
In the air (coughs)
You gotta be careful, when teasing a bear full
Of liquor it swiped from your can
Ain’t nature grand
You gotta be thrilled with its plan
From the ooze so primeval, to the modern dung beetle
Ain’t nature grand
I think I stepped in something
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7. |
Quantum Mechanic
02:21
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QUANTUM MECHANIC
(Dave Guhlow)
Now he’s a quantum mechanic
Now don’t you go and panic
He’s gonna fix the universe today
Cause he’s a quantum mechanic
He’s all thermodynamic
You’ll get your singularity someday
Cause he’s a quantum mechanic
A molecular fanatic
He’ll split the atom right before your eyes (yes, he will)
Cause he’s a quantum mechanic
And it’s so automatic
That he’s a cinch to win the Nobel Prize
Did I forget to mention
There’s a few extra dimensions
Before we get the old big bang to start
It might not be in one day
It might not be till Monday
Especially if we have to order parts (got any quarks?)
Cause he’s a quantum mechanic
His energy’s organic
His scientific theory can’t be matched (no, it can’t)
Cause he’s a quantum mechanic
Now don’t you call him manic
He’ll fix it for you with no strings attached (take it, Albert)
Play it, Isaac
He’ll take your antimatter
And collide it till it shatters
He’ll be right there from somewhere out in space
Now don’t call him a jackhole
If he’s filling in your black hole
He’ll wormhole to another time and place (in space)
Cause he’s a quantum mechanic
Now don’t you go and panic
He’s gonna fix the universe today (yes, he will)
Cause he’s a quantum mechanic
He’s all thermodynamic
You’ll get your singularity someday
You’ll get your singularity someday
You’ll get your singularity someday
QED
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8. |
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THAT ANNOYING CHRISTMAS SONG
(Dave Guhlow)
It’s that annoying Christmas song
And you hear it every year
And you hope that they’ve forgotten it
But it always reappears
It’s that annoying Christmas song
And you’re all filled up with dread
Cause you hear it every holiday
Till it’s stuck right in your head
They will play it in the store
Soon as you walk through the door
You can’t take it any more
Let ‘em know that this means war
It’s that annoying Christmas song
Pretty soon you’ll be in tears
And the only way to block it out
Is to puncture both your ears
It’s that annoying Christmas song
And you hear it all the time
And if they don’t turn it off right now
You’ll commit a violent crime
They will play it at your job
Soon you’ll lead an angry mob
Start a riot, smash and rob
With grenades that you can lob
It’s that annoying Christmas song
At the end we’ll say so long
And we hope you’ll never hear again
That annoying Christmas song
I ain’t cleaning up after your horses
Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho
Roh roh roh roh roh roh roh
Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho
Roh roh roh roh roh roh roh (yipe)
It’s that annoying Christmas song
At the end we’ll say so long
And we hope you’ll never hear again
That annoying Christmas song
So long
One more time (ooh)
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9. |
Her Peas
02:08
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HER PEAS
(Dave Guhlow)
I was once a fussy kind of kid
I didn’t like the things my sister did
Just try it once, my mother said, you’ll see
And now she can’t believe the change in me
Because of
(Chorus)
Her peas are my peas
And my peas are her peas
And now her peas are everywhere (everywhere, everywhere, everywhere)
Their peas are our peas
Our peas are their peas
Say, are there peas under there (under where, under where, under where)
I was always taught in life that it’s good to share
You should have a bit of mine, it’s only fair
So now it’s
Her peas are my peas
And my peas are your peas
And now her peas are everywhere (give peas a chance now)
I really love my new discovery
It’s opened up a whole new world for me
Just try it once, I know you’ll all agree
You’re going to get a case of them from me
Because of
(Repeat chorus)
Now her peas are everywhere (peas in our lifetime)
Now her peas are everywhere
Ah, they don’t write ‘em like that anymore
For good reason
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10. |
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THE NEIGHBORHOOD SEX OFFENDER
(Dave Guhlow)
My real estate agent was beaming
I’ve got a house perfect for you
Some nice hardwood floors
Some lovely French doors
And a big picture window
Just look at that view
But when I moved in much later
I couldn’t believe what I saw
There was my brand new neighbor
Waving at me in the raw
He’s the neighborhood sex offender
And he lives in the house right next door
He’s really quite nice
And he’s great with advice
You almost forget his convictions for vice
He’ll always invite you over
But don’t ever look in his drawers
He’s the neighborhood sex offender
And he lives in the house right next door
One morning I had to borrow
Some tools to clean out my drains
He said, help yourself
They’re right there on the shelf
And that’s when I noticed
The whips and the chains
He volunteers every evening
To go on the neighborhood watch
But all that he ever looks at
Is stare right at somebody’s crotch
Cause he’s the neighborhood sex offender
And he lives in the house right next door (how convenient)
I don’t really know if he owns or he rents
I’ll ask him the next time he peeks through the fence
He cares about everybody
And all of the kids he adores
He’s the neighborhood sex offender
And he lives in the house right next door
Yes, he lives in the house right next door
Knock knock
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11. |
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99% OF EVERYTHING IS SHIT
(Dave Guhlow)
Now it ain’t easy writing songs
I try day after day
Now most of them go nowhere
I throw them all away
But every now and then I find
There’s one that’s not a mess
I think I found the formula
The secret to success
(Chorus)
(Cause) 99% of everything is shit
Just 1% is any good and just a little bit
Now you go out a couple/hundred/thousand years
No one remembers it
Cause 99% of everything is shit
Now you go out and seek your dreams
And hope you’ll be a star
Hey, how come you ain’t famous yet
You hear that near and far
You’re waiting for that one big break
At least that’s what you think
Or maybe that the reason is
You absolutely stink
(Repeat chorus)
They got Da Vinci masterpieces hanging in the Louvre
Then there’s Albert Einstein
He ain’t got shit to prove
Most everything on Earth today ain’t worth a hill of beans
I know this song ain’t Shakespeare
So you know what that means (take it pickers)
They got Egyptian pyramids a-sittin’ by the Nile
Then there’s Charlie Chaplin
He always made me smile
To make your mark in history you better stake your claim
Like that one guy, whozits
And good old what’s his name
Now ‘fore you go on thinking that
Life’s one big waste of time
Not everyone can be the best
Hey, average ain’t no crime
Now this is my philosophy
It really ain’t so deep
How bad you think those others were
If this is one I keep
(Repeat chorus)
I said, 99% of everything is shit
That’s it
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12. |
Because I’m Dead
02:36
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BECAUSE I’M DEAD
(Dave Guhlow)
Because I’m dead, I’m no longer alive
Because I’m dead, I no longer survive
I had a lot of fun
But now my time is done
I really gotta run
Because I’m dead
Because I’m dead, I’m no longer feeling ill
Because I’m dead, you’ll fight over my will
But you won’t get my stuff
If you don’t like it tough
Don’t give me any guff
Because I’m dead
Just take, a broom
And clean, my room
You’ll find, my stash
My porn, my trash (but no cash)
Because I’m dead, I’m no longer at home
Because I’m dead, I won’t answer my phone
Don’t cut me any slack
Don’t try to bring me back
Just put me in a sack
Because I’m dead
Because I’m dead, I’m no longer around
Because I’m dead, I’m six feet underground
So please don’t step on me
And keep it litter free
And promise not to pee
Because I’m dead
Because I’m dead
Because I’m dead
Because I’m
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Dave Guhlow Henderson, Nevada
Dave Guhlow’s completely accurate bio, by A. Paidshill:
Beloved entertainer, humanitarian, and
national treasure, Dave Guhlow is none of these things.
The man who put the harm in harmony, his act has been described as the kind that killed vaudeville, then dug it up and killed it again.
His songs are like fine wine after being dumped in the sewer, and now, you can experience the same revulsion.
... more
