The Neighborhood Sex Offender

from Stupid Songs by Dave Guhlow

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lyrics

THE NEIGHBORHOOD SEX OFFENDER
(Dave Guhlow)

My real estate agent was beaming
I’ve got a house perfect for you
Some nice hardwood floors
Some lovely French doors
And a big picture window
Just look at that view
But when I moved in much later
I couldn’t believe what I saw
There was my brand new neighbor
Waving at me in the raw

He’s the neighborhood sex offender
And he lives in the house right next door
He’s really quite nice
And he’s great with advice
You almost forget his convictions for vice
He’ll always invite you over
But don’t ever look in his drawers
He’s the neighborhood sex offender
And he lives in the house right next door

One morning I had to borrow
Some tools to clean out my drains
He said, help yourself
They’re right there on the shelf
And that’s when I noticed
The whips and the chains
He volunteers every evening
To go on the neighborhood watch
But all that he ever looks at
Is stare right at somebody’s crotch

Cause he’s the neighborhood sex offender
And he lives in the house right next door (how convenient)
I don’t really know if he owns or he rents
I’ll ask him the next time he peeks through the fence
He cares about everybody
And all of the kids he adores
He’s the neighborhood sex offender
And he lives in the house right next door
Yes, he lives in the house right next door

Knock knock

credits

from Stupid Songs, released November 18, 2014

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about

Dave Guhlow Henderson, Nevada

Dave Guhlow’s completely accurate bio, by A. Paidshill:

Beloved entertainer, humanitarian, and national treasure, Dave Guhlow is none of these things.

The man who put the harm in harmony, his act has been described as the kind that killed vaudeville, then dug it up and killed it again.

His songs are like fine wine after being dumped in the sewer, and now, you can experience the same revulsion. ... more